By Jess Postma, CCS Residential Services Manager
Are you looking for detailed instructions on what to do when your loved one has experienced a sexual assault or relationship abuse? The truth is, there is no “one size fits all” response because every situation is different and every person is unique. After a decade of working alongside survivors of relationship and sexual violence, who all too often are navigating their trauma without a good support system, I can offer some tips for when your loved one reaches out to you.
- Be courageous
- Be curious
- Be compassionate
Be courageous. Researcher and storyteller Brené Brown defines courage as “[starting] with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” Letting ourselves be seen tells us that we are going to feel vulnerable and most likely uncomfortable. Courage is showing up for our loved ones even when it’s uncomfortable. I believe it matters less what you do; what matters more is that you have the courage to reach out and speak up. Why is it so important for us to show up for our loved ones? They may not know how to reach out and they may not know what they need, but they do need to know that you care about them and are there for support.
Be curious. Remember that regardless of your knowledge and experience, your loved one is the true expert of their own experience. If you have questions or do not understand, ask! I urge you to ask and have a conversation to seek understanding instead of interrogating or questioning their decisions. Do you want to learn more about what they are going through and what resources are available? Hooray, you found us! However, there are so many more resources out there so don’t be shy with the Google searches and phone calls. Here at CCS, we operate a 24-hour confidential hotline (888-385-4657) that both survivors and their loved ones can call to speak to an advocate about your questions.
Be compassionate. Compassion must be present in all your interactions with your loved one, particularly around their decisions. Remember when I said there is no “one size fits all” response? That means that your loved one may not want to involve law enforcement, they may not be ready to speak to a therapist or advocate, they may not want to seek medical attention. After being courageous and curious in your conversations about these things, you may come to agree (or disagree) with them. Showing compassion means that you respect their decisions and kindly ask if you can share your opinions, feedback, resources, knowledge, etc. If they are not ready to hear that now, let them know that you will be there for them when they are ready. Part of being compassionate is being patient because they may not be ready for a few days, weeks, months, or even years.
Healing from trauma is not a linear process. It is difficult and messy with ups and downs. Take a moment to think about how you would like the people in your life to show up for you during difficult times. I think you will find that when life brings us down, we all could use some courage, curiosity, and compassion.