Welcome back to boundary basics: Part II!
Now for what you have been waiting for: how to set a boundary!
Before we dig into specific steps, let’s be mindful of who we are talking to and setting boundaries with. Are they usually receptive when talking about issues? Are you feeling stressed about the conversation? What do we even say?
This is important when considering boundaries – staying safe is the first priority. Check in with yourself to see if you feel any hesitation or fear for your emotional or physical safety. Setting boundaries indicates whether someone can respect your needs and well-being. If setting a boundary is unsafe, please consider if extra precautions are needed, or if setting a boundary is not an option at this time.
Before setting a boundary, some helpful tips for pre-communication can include writing down your thoughts by journaling or making a bulleted list, exploring sensations and engaging in self-soothing behaviors (i.e. deep breathing, taking a walk, drinking a glass of water, etc.), and maybe even setting some “ground boundaries” for your conversation. I particularly like the idea of saying beforehand, “if the conversation gets too heated or one of us becomes overwhelmed, can we agree to take a break and come back to this later?”
For setting a boundary, a useful acronym by Marsha Linehan (founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or DBT for short) may be an option. DEAR MAN includes the following steps:
D – Describe: Describe the facts of the situation clearly, concisely, and without judgment.
“Over the past three weeks, you have asked me to come into the office early each day.”
E – Express: Utilize “I” statements to express your emotions.
“I am feeling drained by the extra work and shifting my schedule.”
A – Assert: State a specific need or want. Be clear about the request or instruction.
“I need to work my regular 40-hour work week.”
R – Reinforce: Engage with reward when the other person responds well to you.
“Thank you, I appreciate you listening.” Open body language.
M – Mindfulness: Sticking with your goal if the conversation gets sidetracked – be mindful of where the conversation leads.
“I understand the upcoming deadline is in two weeks. I would like to resolve the overtime issues before we get to that.”
A – Appear confident: Indicate confidence (even if internally you are not feeling confident!) by using eye contact, body language, and tone of voice.
Stay focused and maintain a confident tone.
N – Negotiate: Be aware of your limits and what you are willing to accept, yet explore what you would be willing to compromise within those limits.
“I can come in early to work on this project; however, I will need to leave work at an earlier time to pick up my kids from school.” OR “I can come in early for the rest of the week, but next week I will need to resume my regular hours.”
Some other useful skills are to practice active listening (listen without interrupting or planning on what you are going to say before the other person is done speaking), taking mindful breaths, and even taking a 20-minute break to collect your thoughts and return to the conversation.
After-care is highly recommended. We can get activated. We may feel raw emotions or discomfort. Maybe the conversation did not go the way you were hoping. This is where we can turn to what we need in the moment, like hugging a furry pet, cry, be sure we get our basic needs covered like hydrating or eating something to nourish us. Reflecting on the conversation might look like writing down your thoughts or talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. Engaging in self-compassion could be beneficial as we learn and practice boundaries.
Maintenance is an important part of boundary setting. Sometimes, we will set that boundary and feel AWESOME that we did this really big, scary thing! And then 6 weeks later our friend shows up and tries to hug us after we asked them not to.
A gentle reminder might be needed. If a boundary cross happens consistently, and you communicate your needs after every boundary misstep, this may be a red flag to explore deeper. You deserve to have someone respect you.
Start off small if setting boundaries feels intense. By intentionally setting small boundaries, we can work up to larger ones.
This is not an easy practice. It is okay to not be perfect. As humans, we are not perfect robots that get it right the first time or maybe even the fifth time. That is why we call this a practice – we learn more about ourselves as we engage differently. We change, we adapt, we learn.
I leave you this – take what is helpful and leave the rest. I hope this guide can help jumpstart new skills to taking care of yourself.
With gratitude,
Elle Jones, APCC
Elle Jones is an Associate Professional Clinical Counselor working as a Staff Therapist at Center for Community Solutions. Elle received her master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of San Diego in 2020. Elle has worked with survivors of trauma in multiple roles over the course of 10 years. Outside of her professional role, she enjoys cooking, spending time with her cat, and traveling.