When you think of boundaries, what is your immediate reaction? For some, it may be an uncomfortable emotion that is stirring underneath the surface. Maybe boundaries feel selfish, scary, or even impossible. Others may respond with feelings of empowerment. What are boundaries, though? How do we know we are setting healthy boundaries? What types of boundaries can we be setting?
Boundaries in a broad sense is the invisible guidebook on how we want to experience relationships and the external world. What may be a boundary for you may not be a boundary for me. These guidelines not only drawn a line of what we do not want to experience in our relationships, it is also what we DO want. By shifting the perspective of what boundaries consist of, this changes how we interact with others. Communicating our needs and what feels safe for you will allow for deeper connections and healthy relationships.
In this two-part series, we will explore different types of boundaries, the spectrum of boundaries, and how to set boundaries.
Types of Boundaries:
There are a range of boundaries we can explore. The first type is physical boundaries. This type of boundary highlights the “personal bubble.” Let’s say you have a friend who is physically affectionate and you would rather show your affection by using words. There may be moments this friend goes in for a hug without asking you and you become uncomfortable. This is a scenario where communicating a boundary is necessary.
Next up we have emotional boundaries. Emotional boundaries may be more difficult to spot without some reflection. Emotional boundaries are specific towards your emotional battery with others. For example, your sister calls you once a week, unloads her stress, and consistently does not check in with you. This is where boundaries might get tricky. You may be able and willing to hold space for someone, AND your emotional well-being is worthy of time and consideration as well. We will explore some ways to check in with ourselves later.
Verbal and intellectual boundaries are focused on what is being said to you and what subjects feel safe to discuss with others. Our verbal and intellectual boundaries are just as important as emotional and physical boundaries. Perhaps a coworker gossips about another coworker that you have a friendship with. Feelings of anger may show up for you. Maybe you set a boundary, maybe you choose to distance yourself from this coworker.
Your boundaries may shift as you begin taking inventory of what you are experiencing in your relationships. This is normal! As we increase our awareness, we may see more gaps in what we want and need.
On the continuum of boundaries:
Before we dig into boundary setting skills, I like to explore the spectrum of boundaries. Exploring how we usually communicate with others is an important step towards engaging in conflict resolution and setting boundaries. The spectrum of boundaries ranges from porous boundaries → healthy boundaries → rigid boundaries.
Porous boundaries are typically less firm than healthy or rigid boundaries. Maybe someone does not respect our boundary and there is never a conversation because of fears surrounding confrontation or rejection. Another scenario is that there is no communication about your boundary to begin with. Porous boundaries can be a result of people pleasing behavior, not experiencing how to set healthy boundaries within relationships, and anxiousness about the outcome.
A healthy boundary is the middle space. It is the ability to communicate the boundary firmly, while also engaging in potential negotiation to come to an agreeable space. Maintenance within this boundary is an important step. I will cover maintenance when discussing skills in Part II.
A rigid boundary is one that does not leave wiggle room. An example of a rigid boundary might be: “If you don’t pick up your clothes off the floor and put them in the laundry basket, I will throw them out with the trash.”
This foundational information on what boundaries are offers us a place to start reflection. Until Part II is available, I am inviting you to spend some time with the types and spectrum of boundaries.
- I’ll leave you with some reflection questions:
- Where do you land on the spectrum of boundaries?
- What boundaries have you already set? What boundary types may need some attention?
- What barriers do you experience with boundary setting?
I wish you well on your journey and until next time,
Elle Jones, APCC